The unofficial rules of life

The Ones Nobody Tells You

If you want something you are not going to be able to find it.

If you do find it, you can guarantee you will find other stuff you previously couldn’t find, & what you wanted to find will be the very last thing you find.

When you are young you’ll wish you were older,  & think you know it all. You will think anyone over 25 is really old.  You will care deeply what others think of you, & believe that is what defines you.

In your mid-20s you will be beginning to wish you were younger again & didn’t have to do life. You are starting to realise you don’t know it all, you will start wishing that you actually knew less.  You still care what people think of you too much, but try to pretend you don’t.  You can still fall back on your parents a bit in times of need yet, as you are still ‘their baby’.  

By middle age you will wish your body was younger, but you wouldn’t want to lose everything you’ve learnt over the years.  You will by now either know everything, or know absolutely nothing, & you are never going to. Most of what you do know, you will absolutely wish you didn’t.  You will look those who are in their late teens,  & think the following depending upon the situation:

  • “Good grief, did I look that young when I was that age?”

  • “Where are their parents?”

  • “Why are these children up so late, unsupervised, & drinking alcohol?!”

Nearly every doctor & nurse you encounter will be younger than you.  You do not give a flying witches broom what people think of you, come to think of it, you don’t particularly like them much anyway.

You will constantly be suffering with one or more states –

  1. Annoyed.

  2. Wondering why.

  3. Laughing at how annoying/what the hell something is

  4. Crying at how annoying/what the hell something is(^1)

 

By the time you are 60+, you will be wishing that retirement would hurry up & arrive.  You long for the body you had in mid-age let alone younger.  You are starting to forget more & more, you will enter a room and forget why.  Unfortunately, you still remember how stupid people are.  You will be very wise, however everyone will treat you like you don’t know anything at all,  because you are ‘too old’.  You can’t wait to go to  the nursing home,  so people can run around after you all day long.  You are formulating a strategic plan about how cantankerous you are going to become, over which matters, how long for & precisely when.  You will think anyone below 30 is a child.


You will have been told the God is watching you, & that the devil is all that is evil.

You may or may not believe this, in any case, try to remember the following – A/any/all God/s/esses are laughing at you; guaranteed. If there is/are any God/s, they are watching you, & judging you for every last thing you do. ‘He’ gave you the free will, & the capability to do all those things.

He is planning on punishing you for all of it.

If your sins are stacked up enough he will send you to hell to face an eternity of fire & brimstone.

In hell the Devil is not watching you & isn’t judging you, ‘He’ is too busy having fun doing anything he wants. Whatever you have done he’d welcome you.

The heating is free in winter, the summers are long & hot from all the fire & brimstone.

You can drink alcohol/smoke/tell dirty jokes/eat/watch all your favourite films all day long.

Nobody knows why we are here, but everyone knows they will not be here again.

You will mess up, how badly you mess up depends on the size of your training pants. As does how well you will clean up any given messes.


If you decide to wear a white/cream/light top, at some point you have already unwittingly decided to eat something which  causes an awful mess when it is spilt – like baked beans. It’s a given that you will spill the messy food on the aforementioned top.  You will only make it worse if you attempt to remedy the situation.


  • Everybody lies,

  • Everybody has the same bodily functions as you.

  • Everybody imagines murdering somebody in their head(^2)

  • Everybody has flaws.

  • Perfection does not exist.

  • Love does exist, if you have it, or find it hold on to it.

  • Being controlled/hurt is not love.

  • You will forever be the rebellious teenager,  & still  get in trouble when you speak to your parents.

  • The only person you can truly depend on is you.

  • Animals are far nicer creatures than humans.

The following rules in life are not a choice, they should be second nature, most people think they are optional extras –

-Saying please & thank you

-Hold doors open for others, no matter what age/gender they are.

-Spitting is vile, spitting in the street makes you look like a degenerate.

-Physical violence is wrong.

-Mentally abusing someone is wrong.

-If you are going to cast stones, make sure you have no holes in your greenhouse first.

-Body odour is a horrible smell, no matter what you may have read about pheromones, and how they ‘attract potential partners’. Soap & deodorant are nice smells.

(^1)Expect lots of crying

(^2)Everyone denies it, but they do.

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